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The evil of the new drinking straw wrappers must be stopped!

November 27, 2012

I have had enough.  It has come to this.

Drinking Straw wrappers.  They are a real problem.  In researching my enemy, I find their are thousands angry like me.  I mean one other guy, here:  that have had enough.

Back in my youth, shooting a drinking straw at an attractive cheerleader that you liked that day was a sign of love and devotion also, Nice Boobs.

But now, the insidious evil that I can only assume is in leagues with Public Restroom Automatic Hand Faucet Guy, has thwarted my efforts to obtain an unbroken drinking straw without the use of a band-saw for the last time.

For those that are not aware, this  is the traditional part of my post where I am condescending (Condescending means I talk down to you.), a drinking straw is a short tube intended for transferring a beverage from its container to the mouth of the drinker by use of suction. A thin tube of plastic (such as polypropylene and polystyrene) or other material, straight or with an angle-adjustable bellows segment, it is employed by being held with one end in the mouth and another end in the drink. Muscular action reduces air pressure in the mouth, whereupon atmospheric pressure forces the beverage up the straw.

As we all know, the modern drinking straw was invented by a bro named Marvin Stone.   in 1888 by Marvin C. Stone, made of paper.   He came upon the idea while drinking a mint julep on a hot day in Washington, D.C., the taste of the rye was mixing with the drink and giving it a grassy taste which he found unsatisfactory.  He wound paper around a pencil to make a thin tube, slid out the pencil from one end, and applied glue between the strips.  He later refined it by building a machine that would coat the outside of the paper with wax to hold it together, so that the glue wouldn’t melt in bourbon.

What few know however is that historians don’t know when the idea of a straw was first invented, though it is believed to be very old.  The first known straws were made by the Sumerians, used for drinking beer, probably to avoid the solid byproducts of fermentation that sink to the bottom. The earliest extant drinking straw was found in a Sumerian tomb dated 3,000 B.C., it is a tube made from gold and the precious blue stone lapis lazuli.  Argentinians and their neighbors used straws a similar metallic device called a bombilla that acts as both a straw and sieve for drinking mate tea for hundreds of years.

In the 1800s the rye grass straw came into fashion because it was cheap and soft, but it had an unfortunate tendency to turn to mush in liquid. To address these shortcomings, the modern drinking straw was patented by a fore mentioned bro, Marvin Stone.

Marvin’s early  paper straws had a narrow bore similar to that of the grass stems then in common use. It was common to use two of them, to reduce the effort needed to take each sip. (The cocktail straw, which is sometimes used in pairs, may be derived from such early straws.) Modern plastic straws are made with a larger bore, and only one is needed for ease of drinking.

One particular advantage of using a straw when drinking is the reduction of tooth decay. Many soft drinks have acidic properties, and using a straw reduces the liquid contact with the teeth, particularly the anterior teeth, reducing tooth decay and the risk of cavities.  Which is nice.

Drinking straws are a form of plastic consumption when made, and become a landfill item when discarded. Made from polypropylene, they are strong and can be reused rather than recycled into other products. Waste straws in Uganda are collected from beer and soft drink depots, cleaned, and woven into mats for picnics and prayers or joined to form bags. (Bags are used for holding things in bulk, so you don’t say for instance:  Why cant I hold all these limes?)  For decades there was peace, good time and lulz to be had.  Then…

These fuckin guys and there evil plan.  I know not what their ultimate goal is, but I am certain it conflicts with my own.  It’s not just one engineer, but they planed, patented and invented a device so dastardly comparing it to a CD Jewel wrapper would be unfair to said CD Jewel wrapper.

I found them in the US Patents office. (Grishchenko, Grigory I. Stuart, Kenneth D.  Brown, David C.)

There will be justice, oh yes…you guys might as well put them in plastic cement in a nuns panties for all I care….I know who you are, this ends now!  (A nun is a member of a religious community of women, typically one living under vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience..)

PS This is satire.  This is not an actual death threat, it was for dramatic effect only.  (This means I was just kidding, and if they die by some freak accident I was not responsible.)

From → Politics

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